By Howard Hockin |30 March 2020

A disclaimer before you read the “satirical” piece below. I am not making light of a situation that has called me more worry and anxiety in the past fortnight than the previous 20 years combined, but simply wrote this as a release as cabin fever takes hold. A release from the dawning realisation of football’s inability to wait and see what the future holds before making plans. I wrote it as a release too from my frustration at these increasingly stupid, immoral and downright offensive plans to get football re-started as soon as possible. So please keep that in mind. I thank you.


Premier League CHIEFS have come up with a sensational PLAN that could see the 2019/20 season completed on the MOON – and it even has the backing of the PFA!

PREMIER LEAGUE HONCHOS yesterday held a SENSATIONAL meeting on HOUSEPARTY where they agreed that it is best if the season is completed as SOON as POSSIBLE. And at the front of plans to get the league “sorted” is a ONE-MONTH boot camp based on an oil rig in the NORTH SEA that will see games played behind closed doors in a specially constructed STADIUM. The SCHEME has the added advantage of preventing fans from congregating outside the GROUND. Should they attempt to do so, it is thought they will probably DROWN. The stadium that will host the games behind closed doors is thought to be an exact replica of the ETIHAD.

The audacious plan – which owners have dubbed OPERATION YNWA – will see all players wear special protective BIO SUITS that will prevent them contracting the DREADED Coronavirus.  The special bio suits have been adapted for use in sport. There are rumours that the suits will be sponsored by Cussons & Andrex. Suits are already in production for each of the 20 Premier League clubs’ home colours, and it is thought that they could be ready for use no later than MID-APRIL.

The REVOLUTIONARY bio suits have boots sewn into them, with special studs that will work on artificial turf. There is a growing feeling from the clubs that the season must be completed, for the sake of the sport’s INTEGRITY and to protect their massive TV & sponsorship deals.



The players will be equipped with sensors, like those used on certain motor vehicles. They will emit a piercing beeping noise should any two players come within 2 metres of each other.  The beeps will become more frequent the closer the players get. Elsewhere, designated players for throw-ins will wear specially adapted goalkeeper gloves made entirely from soap. Crop planes will intermittently spray a fine mist of DETTOL over the ground. Each player will have their own dressing room so they are kept apart from anyone else. The FA has even commissioned a special banner for the duration of the games, on which will be displayed #stayathome.

The ball itself will be slathered with a thick film of hand sanitiser. Bosses at the Premier League fear that this may make the ball travel too fast, but are confident that the plan is feasible, having worked through the night to finalise the latest plans.



Eric Cantona has offered his services for the duration of the competition, for an adequate fee. Bobby Charlton declined involvement when he discovered the games would take place behind CLOSED DOORS.

Our sources tell us that in addition to the above, fan chants will be piped into grounds via the tannoy, the chants specially adapted for the teams playing that day. Clubs will be permitted to put forward three songs of their choosing. Holograms will be used for the 4th official to further reduce the risk of INFECTION.  Managers will be forced to sit at the back of stands, but will be supplied with megaphones.

A Premier League spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous (as is Richard Masters’ right), said that it was important to get the games played whilst the pandemic is still ongoing, for the integrity of the game.
“It’s important to get the games played whilst the pandemic is still ongoing, for the integrity of the game,” he said.



The plan is thought to have had widespread support amongst players too. There is talk within the Whatsapp groups of many leading footballers after reading an article that the virus will reach its peak in three weeks’ time. This will leave them free to play by June AT THE LATEST. It is thought this is the best outcome for what is clearly a difficult situation. It is thought most players ACCEPT that it is NECESSARY to be apart from their families and to put themselves at greater risk of INJURY and CORONAVIRUS in order to protect the INTEGRITY of the sport before it is lost FOREVER. This is also thought to be the consensus amongst Liverpool-supporting football journalists and also Henry WINTER.

The players will be QUARANTNED in special “pleasure” cubicles for their own added protection. Food preparation will be provided by special CHEFS who have previously had a FEVER. The players will have to cut their own half-time oranges. Robotic masseurs will ward off any potential muscle injuries.



Away from the Premier League, there is a growing acceptance within leading European clubs that the Champions League will be decided using cutting-edge technology and green screens, which will accurately replicate the match-day experience. Players will kick the ball against a montage of giant screens that will then instantly compute where the ball goes.  It is thought Ferran Soriano, amongst others, has given the THUMBS UP to such a scheme.


How football might look if played on the moon.



But there is one final option that CHIEFS are ready to consider to get the season completed. In a SENSATIONAL call last Friday, it is thought that BILLIONAIRE and tech visionary Richard Branson, offered his services to help solve the problem faced by football clubs, for a modest fee of £3bn. His plan, should the players agree, is to jet the FOOTBALL ACES to the MOON via Richard Branson’s new Virgin SPACE shuttle. There is a broad consensus that the moon is free of Covid-19.
This is the back-up option favoured by CLUB OWNERS should the oil rig plan flounder. Those in charge are confident that football will RESUME soon, as the nation demands. The THIRST for sporting action means that games behind closed doors could soon become a REALITY. Once a special ball is designed to deal with the lack of GRAVITY, FA executives and those at the Premier League expect the GO-AHEAD to be given almost immediately. The news will EXCITE fans as they face another TWO MONTHS in lockdown.
Buzz Aldrin was sadly not available for comment.